Friday, 26 August 2011 by nic
i dyed my hair like a teenager.
but it kind of helped. even though i do feel like a bit of an idiot and it cost double the amount i expected.
life has been kind of hard recently. not natural disaster, thrown out on the street hard, i know my life is very good. however having a good quality of life still has challenges, things which show me my weaknesses. i have been completely without direction since i left uni. i've felt as though i might as well just throw my dissertation in the bin for all it's worth. i hardly want to pick up a camera. i have found very few jobs i want to do and of those none have got back to me on application. i have had 3 of my grandparents die, and while i am happy in the knowledge that they are free from their infirmities and are continuing after their lives here the strain it has had on my parents has made me almost intolerably sad. i've felt very trapped with absolutely no options and while i try to fill my life with good things i find myself easily doing nothing as doing anything seems so hard. reminds me that i have nothing going for me right now.
this is passing as i recently got a job! (in a sweet shop) and have the prospect of my own place to live in. these things have given me something to reach for beside hair dye, but i know these feelings aren't done yet.
i know these things in life are here to test us, to make us become stronger and better people and I'm grateful for them. i'm grateful that they have taught me some things i needed to learn:
being sad does not mean there is no God, being confused does not mean that i am doing something wrong, i've had an easy life. i have had little sorrow, experiencing it now is helping me understand how many people can blame God or deny his existence. i will not however as while i may feel sorrow now i have moments of peace which come through prayer, i have journals filled with answers to my prayers which i have received throughout my life and i have the opportunity to start each new day knowing that i can improve and change.