you've got to L.O.V.E your neighbours

you've got to L.O.V.E your neighbours

skyping all over the world


well birmingham

it's nice having a brother in law



found this and it made me proud.

fact

i'm not a good photographer.


i feel so much better now that's off my chest.

hear the trumpets, hear the pipers


i love my grandparents, i just wish they weren't sitting around waiting for death to scoop them up.
i see how it hurts my parents and leaves them at a loss, but they still work so hard for them. they are so giving. cleaning out my grandma's kitchen with my mum and sister was a real christmas highlight for me, even though i ended up retching at the dried up milk from the fridge and the floor. i'm grateful for the images i have of my grandparents. every time i take a photograph of them i think these might be the last photographs i'll get.

it makes all the difference


"He trembled so at the thunder, that his knees failed him and he sunk down at the North Wind's feet, and clasped her round the column of her ankle. She instantly stooped and lifted him from the roof- up- up into her bosom, and held him there, saying, as if to an unconsolable child-
'Diamond, dear, this will never do.'
'Oh yes, it will,' answered Diamond 'I am all right now - quite comfortable, i assure you, Dear North Wind. If only you will let me stay here I shall be all right indeed.'
'But you will feel the wind here, Diamond.'
'I don't mind that a bit, so long as i feel your arms through it.' answered Diamond nestling closer to her grand bosom."

At the Back of the North Wind

in the bleak midwinter

ice ice baby.

west lancashire poetry

i just got home and was forcing lisa's cookbook gift into the cookery section of my bookshelf when i came across a poetry book from when i was in primary school. we all wrote poems and the best of them made it into the book.

i found a poem my friend caroline (11) had written about me.

a friend is...
a friend is someone who is there for you,
a friend is someone who is funny to cheer you up.
my friend likes art, swimming and of course tigers.
she has brown hair, chubby cheeks and a ski jump nose.
she has a weird sense of humour.
she laughs at anything you say.
but when she's in a mood stay away!
but all in all she's very special.
i have this special friend because she is funny and shares,
isn't this what a friend is for?

not much has changed then

and my poem for the entertainment of all

am i a chocoholic?
drift away with an aero
float away with a mars
sit back and rest your little feet
and eat some galaxy bars

go see the stars with a milky way
go way west with a milky bar
then if you want you can pop to the shop
and buy some magic stars

and again, not much has changed.

i feel like this christmas has been pretty much perfect so far. i'm quite sure that acoustic christmas was a highly contributing factor, i just wished we had filmed it. i loved robyn's snowflakes and jess's cheesecake and the impromptu carols leah and rochelle got going at the end.the saxophone happy birthday to robyn and singing a fleet foxes song with rochelle better than that IDIOT on youtube!!!! i also enjoyed the completely unchristmassy rave including about 5 people at any given time and the also unchristmassy at the bottom of everything cover (minus monologue) andrew finally got to play. i think we should have more "acoustic nights" in general (hint hint lisa, rochelle and davina)
and i also like not going outside when it's cold but staying in and keeping warm and reading my book.

"Life is a performance"

i was sitting happily eating some sushi and noodles i'd got at tesco for my lunch today, which my grandad had severely mocked me for, with the soy sauce dripping down my fingers when i remembered when i had first loved soy sauce. or even should i say why i love soy sauce. i'd completely forgotten till i was rejoicing in its saltiness and imagining i was in a sea of soy sauce which kept accidentally sliding down my throat as i swam... it all came from a section of banana yoshimoto's book 'amrita' which i remember as being something which knocked the breath out of me. she is one of the most wonderful writers. her style is beautiful and descriptive and that's when it's been translated from japanese to english.

i can't find the sentence that i remember to quote it here but i'm sure if i did all the magic i remember surrounding it would disappear.
i think i'm going to take a self portrait a week. from now on, i think i don't like having a bunch of random photos of myself. i want them to be well constructed and thought out rather than a hundred snapshots of my face. i think i only like 3 of the pictures i've taken so far. one a week from now on.

how to ruin a most excellent song

surrogate love


sometimes i wish i could pretend the zoo of soft animals and creatures i had still felt real.
i miss pippa and i want something to love me devotedly

think what you will

self schmelf



again experimentation goes out the window and convenience comes in the front door.

be still

i do love rochelle for writing my last post.
and it is all true i do love these girls.

i truly enjoyed where the wild things are. i really love how a good message was put across in a beautiful way. i love when something sweet and innocent is made, something which stirs the soul and confirms the truth of love and family and kindness.

ALL IS LOVE

I am in love with Davina, Lisa and Rochelle! Even tho Davina does like to blow her own horn sometimes. I wish I was more like them. We've just been to see Where the Wild Things Are ... I wish I was cool enough to sleep in a pile. It may only be the start of yet another of my weekends in Manchester but I can tell it's going to be a good one!

i actually planed my self portrait today. i was talking to my friend ruth from my course and i was saying how i feel like my self-portraits are very straightforward and she said maybe that's ok, maybe that's who you are. and maybe that is who i am but i'm bored of taking photos of me which have no thought behind them and for being so boring so i wanted to maybe see if i could be a little less straight forward and maybe one day i'll be brave and delve into the realms of the surreal. today is not that day.
but i did plan my picture at least and i think it made a difference. today i loved the earthy smell of the damp dirt and leaves as i walked home from the bus stop, i couldn't stop breathing it in and i wanted to be outside. but i wanted to show myself in a way which wasn't pretentious or on the other end cliche. i have a hard time being brave with photography.
i guess i wanted to show myself as how i feel i am. as i sit outside in love with the creations around me and their smells and i wanted to feel comfortable and i wanted something to be doing

i love how you can see the steam coming from the cup around my face as i blew it.

p.s. listen to dear God (sincerely M.O.F) by monsters of folk

a quiet contentment


i've been doing a lot of thinking this morning as i tidied around my room. i came across something i'd written a few weeks ago which made me re-evaluate myself a little. i'm not a good writer, my grammer and punctuation is diabolical and i even struggle with my journal which i think reads like the desperate scrawl of a 14 year old with self esteem issues sometimes but i like to write and i think this blog is really encouraging me to do that.

so here it is


the fog of my breath rises before me
a cloud, white and deceiving
and i walk on, keeping time
with my thoughts as they race ahead
to things which have yet to happen
things which may never happen
to things i don't realise are already taking place.
it's another winter, another christmas
and things which seemed so probable
have changed to things demanding patience
but i am surrounded by the pleasant immediate
things i have which touch me
excite me, push me forward and fulfill me.
i stand still, so as to stop my thoughts in their tracks
and as they halt i look around me and see
things which make my heart swell and stretch
teachings which broaden my understanding
and presences who surround me with kindness.
i have nothing lacking, i am complete
in this moment in which i take account of all i have.

my consolation


my fat red scalf.
it hides my grumpy face.
today has been a little rubbish. putting together the exhibition was super depressing. i wasn't pleased with my piece in the first place but when put next to everyone else's i was extremely unhappy.
but this song cheered me up a little bit.
just a little.

self

self portraits from this weekend which make me very happy, not because i love that i look insane but because i love the memories that go along with them.
eating fruit toast after the york ball. the ball itself was rather enjoyable but it was more enjoyable to sleep in rochelle's bed then wake up singing the first songs which came into our heads.

saturday was enjoyable and eventful, and provided me with an image which i actually like. this was the day of the family art group as previously mentioned but it was also the day of the arrival of nathanael in manchester along with his boat shoes, stripy matching pyjamas and my new (and kindly free) medium format camera. most most wonderful. and here i am in rochelle, davina and lisa's kitchen. things don't get much better than that.

sunday was photoless but not without worth of note. manchester sundays are intense. forget about even thinking about naps or those quiet hours in the day when you're a little stuck on what to do. but lovely none the less.

today

well

i'm exhausted, and i felt the best way to show myself today was by celebrating my tesco trousers.

twister

the self-portraits a day are still rolling but i'm currently in manchester. i love how being here makes me feel like i'm in the eye of a storm. nothing from my life can affect me for that brief period of time in that place. i sometimes find it really hard to go back home. i like that i'm not "the weird one" here, although many people would disagree probably with that- which i find quite amusing. anyway i just wanted to get that down here while i was feeling it because i don't have my journal here with me this weekend.

also i went to my second saturday of volunteering at the family art group which was wonderful. i really enjoy watching the families work together creating memeories and experiences which bring them closer to each other. i really want to be involved in something like this in the future. i want to share my love of creativity and art and how it can be something beautiful and used for good and not always something for shock value and pushing people's limits.
i love how art and creativity have played such a huge part in my life, it's been an outlet forjoy and sadness, it's been a solace and an entertainment. i feel so much better knowing i can just sit down and create ( or in my case create anywhere i go with my camera. sadly i feel a little wnnoyed about how people in the church culture can be so encouraging of creativity but then kind of mock what i do or say it's weird (classic) and i have a really hard time with that. many people in an bit well meaning attempt to not put down anyone elses talents and creativity actually leave me feeling degraded and misunderstood. petty of me i know and i need to get over it. but it's still there, i guess i just want to be accepted in the way i try to accept others. i don't go up to someone at institute and say wow you're so weird for you to wear uggs, i would never do it they're weird, but people happily say dumb things to me.
ok maybe i am too outspoken and that is what brings it on? i need to look into that but mostly i just don't want to feel depreicated in my own area because of what i do and think. i'm just as normal as everyone else.




this wasn't supposed to be a rant.

my ears are burning

but in a nice way
heard two accounts of my tutors telling other students that i was intelligent. considering i think myself singularly stupid it was quite a nice thing to hear. also i thought my tutors thought i was a trying to be a teachers pet a bit.
oh what a lovely day it is now despite the rain and cold and the way my scalf smells when it's damp. now to get really stuck in on my presentation to proove them right.

the moment struck when i was drying my hair in my room.i think the lighting is ridiculous and the composition makes me look like i live in squalor but i wanted to get myself in the mirror because it was looking in the mirror drying my hair when i felt the need to take the photograph. i kind of like that i'm out of focus, maybe its a reaction to yesterdays full on image. i also like how it reminds me a little of how people were painted with the belongings they love. i treasure that mirror and picture.
editing is rubbish but i guess i'm not necessarily going for that so it doesn't matter right? right.

identity

i'm putting together a presentation on identity within photography. all the artists i'm looking at are women who use themselves in the photograph as they try to express something they feel about women's roles, or they are trying to express how they feel about themselves.
i hate photographs of myself. i really do, but as Jean Mohr puts it

"it probably helps to have taken some self-portraits, and also to have learnt to accept the photographs others have taken of yourself. otherwise, how is it possible to understand the embarrassment, the worry, even the panic, which often assails people when they know they are being photographed?"

i spend a lot of time detagging photographs people put up of me on facebook and i refuse to take photographs of myself because i'm afraid of looking like a poseur. so i'm starting a new project for myself. i'm going to tak a self portrait a day. i'm going to use my digital camera as it's much more immediate and i'm going to take it at any time of the day i feel appropriate which probably isn't scientific or controlled but then again neither am i.
today i took it as the thought struck me. i was right by the window at my computer and i popped on my fixed lens as it is better in lower lighting and i took a couple of pictures of myself. i'm not sure whether i should just take one and that has to be the image as that would help me be more brutal. but today was brutal enough for now. i have used photoshop to adjust the lighting and sharpness but i haven't made any correction to my face i didn't even fix my hair or look in the mirror before the photo was taken. my flaws are there for you to see.


click on me

i remember the first time i read 'i capture the castle'. i remember being completely ensconced in my duvet and not wanting to stop although my eyes were burning and body was exhausted. i soon found that a pinkish light was leaking through my curtains and that the birds had started their morning songs. nothing quite compares to how it felt reading that book for the first time. it's a book i try not to read often as i never want that feeling to wear out and for the book to become just another book to me.
one particular quote that came into my mind on the bus to uni this morning was when cassandra writes in her journal that "there is something revolting about the way girls' minds so often jump to marriage long before they jump to love." it amused me greatly as it kind of rebuked me. i do know that i totally size people up when i first meet them as whether i could marry them or not. it's such a stupid thing to do. i guess it's part of the church culture i'm in. although it's not something i take seriously in the slightest it's more like some ridiculous game i play in my mind and it is such a passing thought but it still is something which shouldn't be done. i feel thoughrally rebuked by dodie smith and as cassandra, again as the fictional character writing this journal, puts it "i have really sinned. i am going to pause now, and sit here on the mound repenting in deepest shame..."