you've got to L.O.V.E your neighbours

you've got to L.O.V.E your neighbours

skyping all over the world

well birmingham

it's nice having a brother in law

found this and it made me proud.


i'm not a good photographer.

i feel so much better now that's off my chest.

hear the trumpets, hear the pipers

i love my grandparents, i just wish they weren't sitting around waiting for death to scoop them up.
i see how it hurts my parents and leaves them at a loss, but they still work so hard for them. they are so giving. cleaning out my grandma's kitchen with my mum and sister was a real christmas highlight for me, even though i ended up retching at the dried up milk from the fridge and the floor. i'm grateful for the images i have of my grandparents. every time i take a photograph of them i think these might be the last photographs i'll get.

it makes all the difference

"He trembled so at the thunder, that his knees failed him and he sunk down at the North Wind's feet, and clasped her round the column of her ankle. She instantly stooped and lifted him from the roof- up- up into her bosom, and held him there, saying, as if to an unconsolable child-
'Diamond, dear, this will never do.'
'Oh yes, it will,' answered Diamond 'I am all right now - quite comfortable, i assure you, Dear North Wind. If only you will let me stay here I shall be all right indeed.'
'But you will feel the wind here, Diamond.'
'I don't mind that a bit, so long as i feel your arms through it.' answered Diamond nestling closer to her grand bosom."

At the Back of the North Wind

in the bleak midwinter

ice ice baby.

west lancashire poetry

i just got home and was forcing lisa's cookbook gift into the cookery section of my bookshelf when i came across a poetry book from when i was in primary school. we all wrote poems and the best of them made it into the book.

i found a poem my friend caroline (11) had written about me.

a friend is...
a friend is someone who is there for you,
a friend is someone who is funny to cheer you up.
my friend likes art, swimming and of course tigers.
she has brown hair, chubby cheeks and a ski jump nose.
she has a weird sense of humour.
she laughs at anything you say.
but when she's in a mood stay away!
but all in all she's very special.
i have this special friend because she is funny and shares,
isn't this what a friend is for?

not much has changed then

and my poem for the entertainment of all

am i a chocoholic?
drift away with an aero
float away with a mars
sit back and rest your little feet
and eat some galaxy bars

go see the stars with a milky way
go way west with a milky bar
then if you want you can pop to the shop
and buy some magic stars

and again, not much has changed.

i feel like this christmas has been pretty much perfect so far. i'm quite sure that acoustic christmas was a highly contributing factor, i just wished we had filmed it. i loved robyn's snowflakes and jess's cheesecake and the impromptu carols leah and rochelle got going at the end.the saxophone happy birthday to robyn and singing a fleet foxes song with rochelle better than that IDIOT on youtube!!!! i also enjoyed the completely unchristmassy rave including about 5 people at any given time and the also unchristmassy at the bottom of everything cover (minus monologue) andrew finally got to play. i think we should have more "acoustic nights" in general (hint hint lisa, rochelle and davina)
and i also like not going outside when it's cold but staying in and keeping warm and reading my book.

"Life is a performance"

i was sitting happily eating some sushi and noodles i'd got at tesco for my lunch today, which my grandad had severely mocked me for, with the soy sauce dripping down my fingers when i remembered when i had first loved soy sauce. or even should i say why i love soy sauce. i'd completely forgotten till i was rejoicing in its saltiness and imagining i was in a sea of soy sauce which kept accidentally sliding down my throat as i swam... it all came from a section of banana yoshimoto's book 'amrita' which i remember as being something which knocked the breath out of me. she is one of the most wonderful writers. her style is beautiful and descriptive and that's when it's been translated from japanese to english.

i can't find the sentence that i remember to quote it here but i'm sure if i did all the magic i remember surrounding it would disappear.
i think i'm going to take a self portrait a week. from now on, i think i don't like having a bunch of random photos of myself. i want them to be well constructed and thought out rather than a hundred snapshots of my face. i think i only like 3 of the pictures i've taken so far. one a week from now on.

how to ruin a most excellent song

surrogate love

sometimes i wish i could pretend the zoo of soft animals and creatures i had still felt real.
i miss pippa and i want something to love me devotedly

think what you will

self schmelf

again experimentation goes out the window and convenience comes in the front door.

be still

i do love rochelle for writing my last post.
and it is all true i do love these girls.

i truly enjoyed where the wild things are. i really love how a good message was put across in a beautiful way. i love when something sweet and innocent is made, something which stirs the soul and confirms the truth of love and family and kindness.


I am in love with Davina, Lisa and Rochelle! Even tho Davina does like to blow her own horn sometimes. I wish I was more like them. We've just been to see Where the Wild Things Are ... I wish I was cool enough to sleep in a pile. It may only be the start of yet another of my weekends in Manchester but I can tell it's going to be a good one!

i actually planed my self portrait today. i was talking to my friend ruth from my course and i was saying how i feel like my self-portraits are very straightforward and she said maybe that's ok, maybe that's who you are. and maybe that is who i am but i'm bored of taking photos of me which have no thought behind them and for being so boring so i wanted to maybe see if i could be a little less straight forward and maybe one day i'll be brave and delve into the realms of the surreal. today is not that day.
but i did plan my picture at least and i think it made a difference. today i loved the earthy smell of the damp dirt and leaves as i walked home from the bus stop, i couldn't stop breathing it in and i wanted to be outside. but i wanted to show myself in a way which wasn't pretentious or on the other end cliche. i have a hard time being brave with photography.
i guess i wanted to show myself as how i feel i am. as i sit outside in love with the creations around me and their smells and i wanted to feel comfortable and i wanted something to be doing

i love how you can see the steam coming from the cup around my face as i blew it.

p.s. listen to dear God (sincerely M.O.F) by monsters of folk

a quiet contentment

i've been doing a lot of thinking this morning as i tidied around my room. i came across something i'd written a few weeks ago which made me re-evaluate myself a little. i'm not a good writer, my grammer and punctuation is diabolical and i even struggle with my journal which i think reads like the desperate scrawl of a 14 year old with self esteem issues sometimes but i like to write and i think this blog is really encouraging me to do that.

so here it is

the fog of my breath rises before me
a cloud, white and deceiving
and i walk on, keeping time
with my thoughts as they race ahead
to things which have yet to happen
things which may never happen
to things i don't realise are already taking place.
it's another winter, another christmas
and things which seemed so probable
have changed to things demanding patience
but i am surrounded by the pleasant immediate
things i have which touch me
excite me, push me forward and fulfill me.
i stand still, so as to stop my thoughts in their tracks
and as they halt i look around me and see
things which make my heart swell and stretch
teachings which broaden my understanding
and presences who surround me with kindness.
i have nothing lacking, i am complete
in this moment in which i take account of all i have.

my consolation

my fat red scalf.
it hides my grumpy face.
today has been a little rubbish. putting together the exhibition was super depressing. i wasn't pleased with my piece in the first place but when put next to everyone else's i was extremely unhappy.
but this song cheered me up a little bit.
just a little.


self portraits from this weekend which make me very happy, not because i love that i look insane but because i love the memories that go along with them.
eating fruit toast after the york ball. the ball itself was rather enjoyable but it was more enjoyable to sleep in rochelle's bed then wake up singing the first songs which came into our heads.

saturday was enjoyable and eventful, and provided me with an image which i actually like. this was the day of the family art group as previously mentioned but it was also the day of the arrival of nathanael in manchester along with his boat shoes, stripy matching pyjamas and my new (and kindly free) medium format camera. most most wonderful. and here i am in rochelle, davina and lisa's kitchen. things don't get much better than that.

sunday was photoless but not without worth of note. manchester sundays are intense. forget about even thinking about naps or those quiet hours in the day when you're a little stuck on what to do. but lovely none the less.



i'm exhausted, and i felt the best way to show myself today was by celebrating my tesco trousers.


the self-portraits a day are still rolling but i'm currently in manchester. i love how being here makes me feel like i'm in the eye of a storm. nothing from my life can affect me for that brief period of time in that place. i sometimes find it really hard to go back home. i like that i'm not "the weird one" here, although many people would disagree probably with that- which i find quite amusing. anyway i just wanted to get that down here while i was feeling it because i don't have my journal here with me this weekend.

also i went to my second saturday of volunteering at the family art group which was wonderful. i really enjoy watching the families work together creating memeories and experiences which bring them closer to each other. i really want to be involved in something like this in the future. i want to share my love of creativity and art and how it can be something beautiful and used for good and not always something for shock value and pushing people's limits.
i love how art and creativity have played such a huge part in my life, it's been an outlet forjoy and sadness, it's been a solace and an entertainment. i feel so much better knowing i can just sit down and create ( or in my case create anywhere i go with my camera. sadly i feel a little wnnoyed about how people in the church culture can be so encouraging of creativity but then kind of mock what i do or say it's weird (classic) and i have a really hard time with that. many people in an bit well meaning attempt to not put down anyone elses talents and creativity actually leave me feeling degraded and misunderstood. petty of me i know and i need to get over it. but it's still there, i guess i just want to be accepted in the way i try to accept others. i don't go up to someone at institute and say wow you're so weird for you to wear uggs, i would never do it they're weird, but people happily say dumb things to me.
ok maybe i am too outspoken and that is what brings it on? i need to look into that but mostly i just don't want to feel depreicated in my own area because of what i do and think. i'm just as normal as everyone else.

this wasn't supposed to be a rant.

my ears are burning

but in a nice way
heard two accounts of my tutors telling other students that i was intelligent. considering i think myself singularly stupid it was quite a nice thing to hear. also i thought my tutors thought i was a trying to be a teachers pet a bit.
oh what a lovely day it is now despite the rain and cold and the way my scalf smells when it's damp. now to get really stuck in on my presentation to proove them right.

the moment struck when i was drying my hair in my room.i think the lighting is ridiculous and the composition makes me look like i live in squalor but i wanted to get myself in the mirror because it was looking in the mirror drying my hair when i felt the need to take the photograph. i kind of like that i'm out of focus, maybe its a reaction to yesterdays full on image. i also like how it reminds me a little of how people were painted with the belongings they love. i treasure that mirror and picture.
editing is rubbish but i guess i'm not necessarily going for that so it doesn't matter right? right.


i'm putting together a presentation on identity within photography. all the artists i'm looking at are women who use themselves in the photograph as they try to express something they feel about women's roles, or they are trying to express how they feel about themselves.
i hate photographs of myself. i really do, but as Jean Mohr puts it

"it probably helps to have taken some self-portraits, and also to have learnt to accept the photographs others have taken of yourself. otherwise, how is it possible to understand the embarrassment, the worry, even the panic, which often assails people when they know they are being photographed?"

i spend a lot of time detagging photographs people put up of me on facebook and i refuse to take photographs of myself because i'm afraid of looking like a poseur. so i'm starting a new project for myself. i'm going to tak a self portrait a day. i'm going to use my digital camera as it's much more immediate and i'm going to take it at any time of the day i feel appropriate which probably isn't scientific or controlled but then again neither am i.
today i took it as the thought struck me. i was right by the window at my computer and i popped on my fixed lens as it is better in lower lighting and i took a couple of pictures of myself. i'm not sure whether i should just take one and that has to be the image as that would help me be more brutal. but today was brutal enough for now. i have used photoshop to adjust the lighting and sharpness but i haven't made any correction to my face i didn't even fix my hair or look in the mirror before the photo was taken. my flaws are there for you to see.

click on me

i remember the first time i read 'i capture the castle'. i remember being completely ensconced in my duvet and not wanting to stop although my eyes were burning and body was exhausted. i soon found that a pinkish light was leaking through my curtains and that the birds had started their morning songs. nothing quite compares to how it felt reading that book for the first time. it's a book i try not to read often as i never want that feeling to wear out and for the book to become just another book to me.
one particular quote that came into my mind on the bus to uni this morning was when cassandra writes in her journal that "there is something revolting about the way girls' minds so often jump to marriage long before they jump to love." it amused me greatly as it kind of rebuked me. i do know that i totally size people up when i first meet them as whether i could marry them or not. it's such a stupid thing to do. i guess it's part of the church culture i'm in. although it's not something i take seriously in the slightest it's more like some ridiculous game i play in my mind and it is such a passing thought but it still is something which shouldn't be done. i feel thoughrally rebuked by dodie smith and as cassandra, again as the fictional character writing this journal, puts it "i have really sinned. i am going to pause now, and sit here on the mound repenting in deepest shame..."

its nice to know i'm not the only one

Allan Arbus " ...Whenever we did a picture we liked, we couldn't go to sleep. We'd stay up all night looking at it. We were just two terrified, totally uninformed, wildly enthusiatic photographers."

so i had actually decided a bit ago that i wasn't going to go into fashion photography as i don't want to be involved in an industry full of things i don't agree with, but i actually quite enjoyed my photo shoot yesterday, especially afterwards when i was playing around on photoshop. you have quite a lot more freedom with what you do in fashion, it doesn't necessarily have to means anything or make a specific point it just has to catch your eye and look pretty, showing off the clothes and the images that particular brand wants to put across. i have found however that i have a style of some sort which isn't very edgy or cool. i just like the colours to be soft and the image to look a little dreamlike, something i still haven't got down yet at all but basically me and edgy aren't the bestest friends. i can't decide how i feel about this. i also have this repulsion to creating a photograph i don't personally like and i find it hard to create an image which is what someone else has in mind... if that makes sense. and i've found that not a huge amount of people like my style.
which is why if i do art i don't have to give a handful of smarties what someone else likes.

i'm starting to really understand myself through photography. my subconsciousness is kicking its way out through the images i take, which is extremely helpful to my well being actually. i'm starting to see the power for good art has. which is another reason why i choose it over fashion. why do i want to get into all that when it isn't doing something which helps me or others. i'd like to get involved in fashion projects next year which are looking to make a difference .
or something like that.

had a photoshoot for real today, i posted up the images before then i started really getting into the editing so here some i like that i did today.

scimper scamper what's for dinner

creepy creepy
it's so so stupid for me to be bothered by this but the soundrack to new moon is really good, but because it's new moon now a bunch of gasping and sighing 14 year old girls, who associate the music with the way edward kissed bella or how uber hot jacob was when he took his shirt off, also love it. this makes me a little sad. it was the same for the flightless bird american mouth song by iron & wine from the first movie. i should instead be glad that artists i like are now rolling in money but stilllll.

but i do love film


scanning negatives is the most physically and emotionally exhausting thing i have done in my life. i've been scanning for 4 and a half hours and i still have 1 roll of medium format and 2 and a half of 35mm. the suspense and waiting time has driven me to my emotional edge and things that don't bother me now seem of great significance and things that will bring on my swift emotional demise.
i can't believe i thought i could get this done in one day.

lucy heart

just did a very fast impromtu photoshoot for lucy to put on her boutiques website, lucy heart. thank goodness for photoshop is all i have to say

a gossip on romance

by Robert Louis Stevenson

"In anything fit to be called by the name of reading, the process itself should be absorbing and voluptuous; we should gloat over a book, be rapt clean out of ourselves, and rise from the perusal, our mind filled with the busiest, kaleidoscopic dance of images, incapable of sleep or of continuous thought. The words, if the book be eloquent, should run thenceforward in our ears like the noise of breakers, or the story, if it be a story, repeat itself in a thousand coloured pictures to the eye. It was for this last pleasure that we read so closely, and loved our books so dearly, in the bright, troubled period of boyhood."

this ran thenceforward in my ears like the noise of breakers.

while we're on the subject

i love this picture of roddy woomble    
there is a lot of good music which i can't afford to buy right now so i thank the sparkly orbs above for having spotify. I'm currently enjoying renewing my old flame idlewild their new album is rather enjoyable. it makes me dance in my seat as i work. this video really made me wish i hadn't missed my opportunity to see them live.

horse and her boy

another photshoot another mental breakdown.
i just found it quite poignant when signing into this blog it questioned in a friendly manner, if i wanted it to remember me.

i wish everyone had this button. i haven't surfaced for social air in a while. university has taken over, but its been so exhilerating that i didn't even notice the lack of real human contact as opposed to my telling them where to stand and look. the only social events i have now are photoshoots.

but there are a few people like this blog who like to remember me. i like that.

what doesn't kill you...

landscape work is something i find really hard. i just can't feel interested (unless its amazing, which is something i can't achieve) in the scene without some sort of presence be it human, animal whatever, something to hold my interest. i always feel that landscape can't do justice to what can actually be seen with our panoramic eye and mind, the thoughts and emotions we can feel in real life and the context of what we see just cannot be translated into an image for me. that kind of why with photography i want to capture things that cannot be seen with the eye or can only be imagined with the mind.
well here are my attempts.

feeling grood, good and great

just bought a bunch of medium format colour film. i actually cannot wait for my photoshoot with the bronica next wednesday.

today has been nice and productive. tuesday has become mine and rachael's props day. we hunt through preston market to find things to inspire us or to use in stuff we got going on. i got a victorian style white shirt (£3) for next weeks shoot and a wooden rabbit with red eyes(£2). she got a oriental birdcage (for free) and a long red eastern style dress and a parasol all for £6
thus commenced prop tuesday.

a whole lot of folio perfection

i am waiting in anticipation for this little beauty to make its home on my shelf.

town mouse country house

a couple of images which i actually think will create quite a nice series. i think i could actually do this photography lark for ril someday.

lighting kits are wonderful things! even though i get super stressed out i really enjoyed carting round my massive trolly of lighting equiptment. i'm so glad i have so many friends willing to pose for me. i'm also glad they don't mind when i get all angry and tempremental.

manual labour

this is me and all my men

and i bet you can't see it but this is nature's tribute to daft punk
i love autumn sunlight

back at uni. back at fumbling around trying to do things of photographic nature and finding myself surprised by the result. i really enojyed playing in the studio with rachael today. we both feel super more confident amongst the lights, umbrellas, diffusers and paper screens. we still have a way to go. i forgot pretty much everything we learnt at our studio induction but they would insist on telling us all about the studio at the very end of the first year right before the holidays.

i'm proper getting sick of taking photos

which isn't probably a good thing as i just started uni again. I've been taking a break from taking photos from for the last week. it's felt like a weight lifted off my shoulders. I'm excited to get started on projects and such thought but coming away from social events with over 700 images has been putting me into slight panic attacks.

something nice however is that my new necklace was delivered today. it's Disney couture and i have lusted after it for a long time. I'm very grateful for sales.

bethan stilgoe is afterparty's number one fan. this is a fact that would have been hard for anyone who attended their gig to miss. i'm enjoying supporting afterparty, especially when it provides me with music to dance to and a dark room in which to do it with and people with whom to dance with all for £5.

pre gig involved getting waffles at a yellowcard pub in manchester- they were a disappointment but the company wasn't

to die by your side...

why is it all films that want to be alternative include the smiths. it might be my age the fact that i missed the smiths boat but i actually could live without them. sorry.
vagabond by wolfmother however. that can stay.

so i went to see 500 days of summer with jake and i really enjoyed it. it was nice watching something that made me smile extremely widely just because a song i liked came on, or because there was an impromptu dance scene. i must say though it was extremely scary to watch a girl like summer and see some likenesses to myself in there. not at all because i am this wonderful beautiful girl which she was being portrayed to be. the kind that gets double takes wherever she goes and makes deep impacts upon people's lives. it's more so my tendency to teeter on the edge of friendship and romance with boys. not that i would ever take it as far as summer but i realised i pride myself on not playing with people's emotions. but i actually might be decieveing myself.


i got a fish eye lens!

lee wasn't as impressed though.